Forgive and Forget?

[Jason Bramble]

Hope this is the right section for this. But will keep it concise.

Forgive and Forget? or Forgive and Be alert of the person that wronged you? In the Parable of the King and the two servants it seems to suggest forgive and forget? but forgetting someone that screwed you up or whatever seems unwise.

[Tony Koretz]

Jason Bramble wrote:

Hope this is the right section for this. But will keep it concise.

Forgive and Forget? or Forgive and Be alert of the person that wronged you? In the Parable of the King and the two servants it seems to suggest forgive and forget? but forgetting someone that screwed you up or whatever seems unwise.

I think there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Here is kind of my yardstick on this personally:

If I say I have forgiven someone then I need to check my heart. Would I a) rather see God’s grace lead them to repentance ( and salvation if they aren’t already a believer), and see good things come to them if they truly repent and are sorry for their actions? or b) I want to see them get toasted and get their just deserts

If my answer is b) then I don’t think I have truly forgiven them.

But even when we forgive it doesn’t mean we go back and beat our heads against a wall by giving them more chances to do us harm and allow them to take advantage of us. That’s not wisdom.

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[Dianna Bonner]

Oooh, good answer Tony. It just may take a conscious, daily effort to reach “a” vs. “b”. It could take years for some of us. LOL!

I can only speak from a female perspective – so many women confuse forgiving with going back for more of the same treatment, but like Tony said, this isn’t wise. I think that’s where it needs to be clarified since some women who have been abused think forgiving means going back into relationship and accepting the same abuse – a vicious cycle. It doesn’t. I don’t believe God wants that for any of us.

This is always a frequent topic in our women only Christian meetings/events – Forgive and pray for the person, but forgiving doesn’t mean you have to continue to be in a relationship with that person.

[MattS]

Jason, this is a really good question and one that many Christians really struggle with. I know that many Christians are told that they have to forgive and forget and have this belief that forgiving the person means that you have to make up with them and continue to be around them. Both Tony and Dianna have spoken to the idea that going back to that person or situation may mean we we continue to have harm done to us.

So what does it mean to forgive? It is usually where someone has wronged you intentionally or unintentionally. They can choose to acknowledge their behaviour if they are aware of it and ask forgiveness. If they don’t ask forgiveness, who is responsible for that? Short answer is, “not you”, that remains between them and God if they choose not to do this. So if someone wrongs you, what are your choices? You can choose to forgive them, but what does that mean? It means that you let go of that wrong thing done against you. Why should you do this? Ephesians 4:26-27 gives the reason for this. You can be angry with someone but let it pass, don’t let the sun go down on your anger as it can give the devil an opportunity to come in and do much harm to you and others.

I remember a time when I refused to forgive a family member who had done much intentional harm to me. I had a really messed up idea that I had to go back to that person and make up with them. I refused to forgive them and became angry and bitter. It consumed me at times and ended up making me physically and mentally sick, I had a stress reaction whenever I saw this person which brought back all the bitterness and anger and hatred. I finally figured that something was wrong and gave it over to God, I believe that the Holy Spirit showed me that I had to let the wrongs go and that it was for my benefit, if I did not forgive, God would not forgive me. The other person was still responsible for their sin. Romans 12:18 says “if possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Sometimes being at peace with others means not being around them so much, or not being around them at all.

Others may not understand this idea of low or no contact with some people, as they just want peace at any price. This leads into another good reason for not going back into abusive situations. If someone is abusive and unrepentant and shows no remorse for their behaviour, and an unwillingness to change. If we go back to them and make up we are actually condoning their sin. We send the message that it is okay for them to behave this way, and they will continue to do so because there are no consequences for the abusive behaviour. This is called “enabling” behaviour, because you enable the person to keep doing the bad behaviour without any consequences for that behaviour. King Ahab enabled Queen Jezebel and what a mess that turned to be!! People mess up at times and can be abusive, however if they are willing to ask forgiveness and repent/turn away from that behaviour, it gives us room as Christians to be loving and forgiving and cautious LOL, until we know that there has been a true heart change.

There are many people who have remained in abusive relationships because they thought this was right to do. It is my belief that it is not and that God does not want us to be subject to abuse on a continual basis when we can do something about it. I know there are circumstances where it is really hard to get out of abusive situations and that is where we really need to seek God for a solution. So forgive that person who has abused you by letting that situation go, get the Holy Spirit to help you do this. This then frees you from allowing the devil legal right to cause you to sin because of your anger, hatred and bitterness.

Sorry, long rant I know, but really important that Christians get their head around this.

Here are some articles that go into more detail on this one.
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466828

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[Rene’]

I learned a long time ago from a wise teacher that forgiveness is uni-lateral, but reconciliation is bi-lateral. We do not have to be reconciled to those that intentionally harm us and look to get into our space in order to do so.

Here is a parable that I often refer myself to when tempted to give toxic individuals a second chance:

The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, “How do I know you won’t sting me?” The scorpion
says, “Because if I do, I will die too.”

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp “Why?”

Replies the scorpion: “Its my nature…”

One marker I use to know if I’ve truly forgiven is if I “remember with peace.” If I’m still obsessing over “what they did”, (toxic remembering), then I need more help from the Holy Spirit to get to “right” remembering.

Forgive, yes! We are commanded to do so, and to also pray for our enemies. ( I call this loving from afar) To forget what a toxic person did to you is at your own peril, and we are commanded to love ourselves (as we love our neighbors).

[Kathy Hodges]

I agree with all about the forgetting part. We must always forgive as God has forgiven us, but unlike God we really can’t forget. It is all about trust. If it is a minor thing then we can continue in a relationship but the return of trust will probably be a slow process. Jesus said we will know a tree by its fruit. If the person has truly changed then you will be able to see it by their actions. But if they continue in whatever behavior it is you had to forgive them for, then it is time to cut the ties and not have fellowship with them anymore. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them in that brotherly agape way of loving them but we don’t have to be best buds with them anymore and it is time to move on with our lives. I have had to do this with many people and although I do pray they repent and seek the Lord especially if they aren’t saved, I have had to tell my husband that so-and-so isn’t welcome in this house anymore but if he wants to continue a relationship with them fine, just don’t bring them here. He doesn’t like this but I stand firm.

[Jason Bramble]

Lots of great replies here. Thanks gang. I myself hold this belief. I forgive you, I don’t want any particular misfortune to you. I rather you get saved, and I’d welcome you as a brother or sister. But in the event that doesn’t happen, move on with your life, and i’ll move on with mine. I definitely do not want to see you again. Depending on the severity of the infringement ofcourse.

[M.E.]

Love all these answers. Everyone has brought up such good points that I don’t have much to add. Matt you had such important insight about enabling. It makes me very angry to see that, because I know multiple people who suffered because their abuser was enabled to continue to do so. It’s a sin.

I, as someone estranged by choice from my very toxic mother can attest to the benefits of forgiving and forgetting…THEM! I have a great sadness for who my mother must have been as a child because her mother was even worse to her. But she has chosen to be the way she is, and as an adult she is responsible for that.

[M.E.]

And something I felt led to share with my friend who had an abusive husband was that when you can’t forgive someone at that time; start by not refusing to forgive them. I do think YHWH honors that when He sees you’re taking the first step in faith and obedience. I don’t know if that’s coming across in a way that makes sense. Hope so though!

[Dianna Bonner]

M.E. makes perfect sense! I believe that it sometimes takes an intentional effort, every single day, over a long period of time to feel like you’ve truly forgiven someone. It’s taken me 10 years to finally feel like I’ve truly forgiven my ex-husband and can genuinely feel compassion for him if I were to ever see him again.

[Louise Brislane]

I think Matt summed it up well! I have no problems these days forgiving others & letting go of their hurtful behaviour & being able to pray for them, but it wasn’t always that way. It took the Lord to open my eyes to the verse in Matthew I think, at the finish of the Lord’s prayer. When Jesus says,unless you forgive others, then your heavenly Father cannot forgive you!! I did not want to spend eternity in the same place as the one who had hurt me, which at the time was my ex-husband. Then I had Christian counselling with Elijah House which blew me away from the first ten minutes of the first video on honouring your father & mother. What a week that was!! From that time in around 2004 my Christian life finally started to grow & I have never looked back.
Now I am going through a situation again with my son, he has accused me of things that I never said nor meant. He interpreted it that way. He has a bad habit of second guessing & telling you what he thinks you really meant to say which is just his opinion, not mine as I have repeatedly said, ‘that is not what I was trying to say at all, that is just your putting words into my mouth’! That I could have dealt with but the names he called me were unprintable & I knew that I couldn’t just ignore them & allow him to get away with saying them & then going on as though they had never been said, so I prayed, took a deep, deep breath & confronted him with them saying the Lord has commanded that we respect our parents, even if we personally don’t like them. He has refused & then called me the names again & added to them, so I told him that until he apologizes to me, then I will no longer fellowship with him. He is supposed to be a practicing Christian. Now I have taken this all to the Lord, & I pray for him & his wife daily who agrees with his bad behaviour but I cannot condone their behaviour. I miss my two grandchildren but then I only saw them 3 times a year anyway & they only live some 20 minutes drive from me. I used to catch up with what they looked like etc on facebook but he & his wife have blocked me. The only feelings I have are of deep sadness that he is doing this to hurt me or get back at me because in his eyes I was not the perfect mother he wanted. As a mother, I love him deeply & I miss him dreadfully but he has chosen this course & so all I can do is give it to the Lord & pray for his soul.

[M.E.]

Sadly there are no perfect mothers. Even Mary was not a perfect mother, despite what Catholics think 🙄. My heart breaks for your pain, because the intensity of love a parent feels for their children means the pain is just as intense. To have your son refuse to see past any misunderstandings and even mistakes of the past and see that love that has always been there must be excruciating. Giving it to YHWH like you are seeking to is the only hope for peace. Bless you Louise ❤.

[Rene’]

Thanks for sharing the dilemma between you and your son, Louise. I have struggled for years with how to fulfill the “honoring your mother and father” command since my mother abused me physically, emotionally and spiritually as a child, and would continue to abuse me if I allowed her to even now. My mother claims to be a Christian as well, but her fruit proves otherwise. Even so, I have never resorted to calling her profane names or blocking her. I don’t read most of her texts to me since they are toxic, but I will answer the ones that fit into the “tea party” (surface) relationship that I maintain with her. I pray for her as well.

It was really, really hard to give up the IDEAL of having a functional relationship with my mother, but I had to for my own emotional and spiritual health. Prior to adopting the tea party relationship, God had led me to completely separate from my mother for extended periods of time…this was before I understood NPD. I now consider my true family to be other believers.

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